


It's not lying if you know the truth

by Tchell1



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Illya loves him anyway, M/M, Napoleon is a cynic at heart, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:08:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4855784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tchell1/pseuds/Tchell1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At night, whenever the need gets too high, Napoleon would sleep with a woman; during the day, he would indulge in Illya's company. Really, there couldn’t be a better solution for his problem. If he sometimes thought, frustrated, that this situation was far from perfect, well, life was not kind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's not lying if you know the truth

The thing was, Napoleon did not believe in  lying to himself. He had no problems in lying to everybody else, make no mistake, but he knew believing in his own lies would only cause trouble; and Napoleon liked to not cause trouble when it could be avoided. Lucky for him he was very, very good in scheming situations where he could avoid most of the trouble. If it weren’t like this, he would not have been a successful thief.

 

Because he liked to not keep lies from himself and because he was actually really pragmatic, Napoleon realized pretty earlier on his acquaintance with Illya Kuryakin that working with the Russian was going to be problematic. Napoleon was really, really attracted to Illya. Not only that, but after months of working together and forging a really good partnership, Napoleon caught himself falling in love with him.

 

The night Napoleon took to examine his feeling for his partner was an interesting one. As Napoleon did not shy away from ugly truths, he made himself look at his sentiments from all the angles. A whole bottle of whisky was needed for this enterprise, but at the end of the night, even if Napoleon did not like the result of it, the fact was that he was helplessly in love with Illya.

 

And it hurt. It had hurt so much to make himself face the fact that Illya would never love him back. Illya was not attracted to men and would probably condemn the practice. Realizing that Illya would look at him differently if he found out Napoleon liked men as well as women might have hurt even more than realizing his feeling would not be corresponded. Because, as much as Napoleon wanted to be in charge of his own feelings, he could not help fall for whoever his heart desired.

 

So, when dawn was breaking and Napoleon had to meet Illya for their next mission, Napoleon raised his glass in a salute to his predicaments and drank the rest the whisky. He got in the shower and let the water wash away the tears he had shed. He would suffer, of course, but there would be no more tears. To everyone that knew Napoleon, he would still look as the same charming thief. Only he would know what was in his heart. As stated, Napoleon was not a fan of lying to oneself.

 

___***___

 

So the months kept going. Illya kept being really good as a spy for UNCLE and, contrary to what Napoleon thought, Illya actually would look more and more to spend time with Napoleon. Shocking pretty much everyone involved in the forging of the partnership, Illya and Napoleon became really good friends. They teased each other and bickered all the time and they would kill and dye for each other.

 

And sometimes, Napoleon would look at Illya and would be surprised with how much he liked the Russian. In fact, in some cases, all Illya would have to do, would be look at Napoleon with a unguarded smile and Napoleon would be gone.

 

And then Napoleon would remember that Illya thought he was not perverted.

 

Really, Napoleon hated feeling his heart constrict inside his chest at the thought on never getting to see Illya smile at him again. He was _pathetic_.

 

So Napoleon, who already did not think much of himself, crafted a plan to keep his frustrations at ease and still be able to work with Illya. Whenever his desire for Illya got the better of him, he would wait for a free night and find a willing body to drown his sorrows. The body had to have some specifications. The person had to be a women and a prostitute, preferably brunette, and always American. Because Napoleon knew himself and he knew that if he let himself indulge in the whole fantasy, he would go crazy. Also, he would not want to disrespect Illya, who, above everything else, was his friend first and foremost.

 

And so he kept going. At night, whenever the need gets too high, he would sleep with a woman; during the day, he would indulge in Illya's company. Really, there couldn’t be a better solution for his problem. If he sometimes thought, frustrated, that this situation was far from perfect, well, life was not kind. He would let himself cry for what he could not have only during the nights he was without either a female body or Illya. Those dark nights were only for him and for his cynic view of the world and the situation he found himself in.

 

___***___

 

However, there was one indulgence Napoleon actually allowed himself during his many nightstands. He knew it was not healthy and it was not ok to do, but he could not help say Illya’s name during sex. He was incapable of not thinking about Illya.

 

The women who spend the night with him were not stupid. Napoleon, with his handsome looks and clever month, could have anyone he wished. If he was seeking prostitutes, it was because there was something he wished that he could not tell. Napoleon imagined that the women were more than used to men that requested all kinds of perverted acts. On his case, he was guilty of wanting someone he could not have. He was not better than any of the others. The women wouldn’t even blink in alarm when he called them by another name.

 

“Illya” was not a common name in America, but his Illya was not a public figure and in any case, the women usually thought he was picturing another woman in their place and not some giant Russian male spy. Napoleon would allow himself to say the name over and over during the night, as if trying to expunge the hated feeling out of his body. By the end of the night, he usually felt both satisfied and devastated.

 

He would return to his apartment, have breakfast and meet Illya for one more day.

 

___***___

 

As much as Napoleon adored Illya, Illya also really liked Napoleon. Maybe not as the way Napoleon wanted, but Illya cared about his partner. He also never got out of the habit of putting bugs in Napoleon’s clothing and equipment. Napoleon thought it really charming that Illya would show that he cares by invading Napoleon’s privacy.

 

Napoleon was used to search for all the bugs Illya would put on him before going out. By the end of the first year together, the bugs were more of an internal joke than a threat. Illya would put them in Napoleon and Napoleon would wait for his detector to beep every other night. Napoleon would take of the many bugs and would speak to it in a teasing voice “Not to worry, Peril, I’ll let the girls know where to find a big bad Russian” and then he would leave. It was one more way Napoleon tried to control a really bad situation which he knew there was no way around. Sometimes, Napoleon wished he did not have such a cynical view of everything.

 

Most of the time, Illya would bug the same places, as it was more of a ritual than anything, but sometimes, Illya would feel adventurous and would hide some few bugs more. Napoleon knows that and actually likes knowing his partner will not let him relax. He wouldn’t have Illya in any other way.

 

Except, of course, for the time Napoleon did not find one of the many bugs Illya hid inside his jacket. He gave his customary farewell to one of the bugs he had caught and left the room. That night, as usual, he found a willing body and let himself call his partner's name as many times as he liked. He would hear himself call for Illya and he would feel the tears gather in the corner of his eyes and, again would think _pathetic_.

 

He would them go back home and start the day as every other day he had since joining UNCLE

 

___***___

 

Except, of course, for that one dawn.

 

___***___

 

When Napoleon got back home, he found Illya on the sofa. He seemed to be reading the morning news, but Napoleon saw how tense he was. It immediately made Napoleon scan for any kind of threat on the apartment.

 

“Having a good morning, Peril?” Napoleon asked as if it was normal to find his partner at dawn inside his house. If there was any trouble, Napoleon would want to be on guard.

 

Illya took his eyes from the paper and watched Napoleon. There was something really strange in the look he was giving his partner.

 

“I’m not sure yet.” Illya answered back and it did not make Napoleon calmer. The lack of the nickname at the end was a dead give away that something was very wrong.

 

“Is there anything wrong?” Napoleon asked getting closer to Illya.

 

Illya closed the paper and took a deep breath. Napoleon was starting to get scared.

 

“I need to tell you something which I think you will not like” Illya started.

 

Napoleon, slowly, sat on the small table in front to the sofa Illya was in.

 

“I’m listening”

 

Napoleon could see Illya counting to ten and back again, could see him doing this breathing exercises. He was as familiar to them as Illya, because he was there when Illya started using them.

 

“Last night” Illya started and stopped. “Something happened last night.”

 

“Are you hurt?” Napoleon asked right away.

 

Illya smiled. It was the unguarded one; the one that made Napoleon really sad.

 

“No… I’m not hurt.” Illya replied and continued saying the phrase that made Napoleon freeze “But you forgot a bug”

 

Napoleon blinked a few times.

 

“… what?” he asked in a whisper.

 

“Yesterday” Illya said looking down “You gave me your usual farewell and left.” Illya stood up “But them, when I was closing my radio, I realized I could still hear something; you forgot one bug.”

 

Napoleon crossed his fingers in his lap. He took two deep breaths and let all the maybes and nevers that he could not have wash through him. Them he recollected himself, let the facade of the detached spy take over and looked at Illya.

 

“So?” he asked in his most cold voice.

 

Illya frowned but was still looking at Napoleon.

 

“So, I heard you shout my name over and over during the night” Illya said.

 

Napoleon also stood up. He wen around the table and got inside the kitchen. He was going to cook some omelets. If nothing else, it would calm him.

 

“You must have heard wrong” Napoleon heard himself saying while he was looking for some eggs “I did not say your name during the night. In fact, the lovely lady’s name was-”

 

“Lucy, I know” Illya interrupted “I heard”

 

Napoleon put the eggs back in the fridge, closed the door and leaned his head against it, his breath was heavy.

 

“Illya, please.” He begged “It was nothing. I was frustrated and irritated and just wanted to burn some steam”

 

“Humm… see, this is strange” Illya said, still in the living room “Because you did not sound frustrated nor irritated. In fact, it sounded as if you were used to this.”

 

Napoleon made himself look at Illya.

 

“Well, I am used to sleeping with hookers, Illya” he said very deliberately. He actually thought that he had managed to dodge the attack.

 

Illya got closer to the kitchen.

 

“Don’t do this, Napoleon. Talk to me.”

 

And Napoleon felt the tears coming. He knew what was going to happen,  he was going to miss Illya so much.

 

“I really do not want to lose you, Peril” Napoleon said and hated that his voice was trembling. “Please, believe me when I say we do not need to talk about any of this”

 

And Illya planted himself right in front to Napoleon. From so close, Napoleon actually had to raise his head a bit to look him in the eye. The position was not helping Napoleon’s nerves.

 

“See, that is where I think you are wrong, Cowboy” Illya said very seriously, taking Napoleon’s face on his hands “Because, on the last hours of the night, I heard you sobbing my name. And I cannot stand hearing you cry” with his thumbs, Illya, cleaned the corners of Napoleon’s eyes.

 

It was  no use. As soon as Napoleon closed his eyes, more tears fell.

 

“Please, do not treat me any differently” Napoleon said “I tried not to let you get involved. It was my problem and I’d not take it well if you treated me any differently. I cannot help it.” He tried to explain, but the sentences were coming out only half formed.

 

Illya did not take his hands from Napoleon’s face.

 

“I will not treat you any different, Cowboy, you are my partner.”

 

“Am I?” Napoleon asked “Am I still? After you realized that I am not only attracted to men, but actually am attracted to my very own partner, which is you, by the way?” And Napoleon was taking very deep breaths and trying really hard not to make a scene.

 

Illya hugged him. The Russian pulled Napoleon from the refrigerator and pressed him against his chest. To Napoleons, it seemed Illya was trying to hide him.

 

“God, Napoleon, why do you always have to opt for the dramatic way? How long have you been feeling like this?”

 

Napoleon hugged Illya back.

 

“So long.” He admitted in a thin voice “Probably since the beginning.”

 

Illya let go of Napoleon but did not take his hands of his arms. He downed his head a little bit to get to the same height as Napoleon.

 

“I could hardly treat you any different for finding out you have feelings for your partner. It would really be very hypocritical of me” Illya said and waited for the sentence to be absorbed by Napoleon.

 

“… what?”

 

Illya kissed Napoleons forehead and it was so full of love and longing that Napoleon though he might just start crying again.

 

“I too, have feelings for you, Napoleon.” Illya said “I was so envy of all the women you would take to bed.”

 

And Napoleon started laughing. If the laugh was a bit hysterical, well, who could really blame him?

 

“How-how did this happen? _When?_ ” Napoleon asked in between laughs.

 

Illya shrugged.

 

“Since the beginning. But I figured you would not be interested in a Russian with spikes of anger.”

 

Napoleon took Illya’s face in his hands.

 

“That is the most outrageous thing you have ever said.” Napoleon stated before closing his lips over Illya’s.

 

Illya’s arms surrounded Napoleon once more and the way they were crushing him, Napoleon would think that Illya would never let him go.

 

For once, Napoleon tried not to let his cynic view win.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt at the kink meme:  
> "Napoleon didn't expose his feelings to Illya. When he hooks up with men occasionally, he calls Illya's name and pretends he's having sex with him.  
> +10000 if Illya bugs Napoleon and accidentally heard his own name"
> 
> There was one change though. Napoleon chooses to sleep with women.


End file.
